Volunteer Linda Miller at St. Mary鈥檚 Hospital on the importance of empathy and compassion, and how it takes a village to care for the dying
鈥淲e must encourage parents to listen to and observe their babies.聽 And at the end of life, we need to encourage聽 families to listen to the dying person, what us being said and not being said. This it hard but really important. I see this as my role as a volunteer.鈥�
By Devon Phillips. The transition from pre and postnatal care to working as a volunteer in palliative care has been perfectly natural for retired nurse Linda Miller. With five years of volunteer experience under her belt, Linda feels privileged to be able to listen and be present for those at the end of life and for their loved ones. I met with Linda at St. Mary鈥檚 Hospital, Montr茅al, Qu茅bec.
Q: What brought you to volunteering and St. Mary鈥檚 Hospital?
A: It was a natural evolution from what I have done in the past in my personal and聽 professional life . As a retired nurse, this fits into this stage of my life. Working with people at the end of life has probably been in the back of my mind all my life.聽
I trained in the 60s when nurses went into residence for three years. We moved to Qu茅bec City聽 in 鈥�69 and at the end of the 70s I was hired by the CLSC to teach parent-child care, very much integrating fathers into the life of having a baby. I visited many homes in Ste. Foy and Sillery. While working聽 I completed a bachelor鈥檚 and master鈥檚 degree in counselling at Laval University.
I have always been aware that any life changes bring about the need to adapt to new situations and often one has to聽 grieve for what has been lost.聽聽 The same kind of qualities that I developed with the women who became pregnant are the same qualities that are needed at the end of life - listening,聽 empathy,聽 compassion, and accompaniment. Meanwhile, I have had personal losses as well and people that I have accompanied. That has added to my experience and sensitivity.聽
Q: Can you speak to the parallels you make between the beginning and the end of life because that may be a surprising connection for some people.
A: When a baby comes into your life, there are losses because you have to give up a certain amount of yourself. In the 70s I prepared couples to request聽 certain interventions with the idea that you could control the birthing experience, but there are聽 things that are completely out of your control.聽 At the end of life it鈥檚 the same. There鈥檚 a whole lot of giving up of control. That is one of the parallels, the grieving part of it. Also there鈥檚 the sense of being alone, of being isolated.
Q: In your role as a volunteer, how do you interact with patients and their loved ones?
A: I try to meet people where they are. If people don鈥檛 want to talk, I will just say, 鈥� I am here鈥�. Sometimes I bring flowers, a newspaper, something practical like a glass of water and that may open a door to talking. I come in early in the mornings, and I may say, 鈥渉ow was your night?鈥� because the nights are hard. I play it by ear and never push. Sometimes, when appropriate, I say 鈥測es, this is a journey you did not choose, isn鈥檛 it?鈥澛� This may help the patient open up. There is no magical formula. Sometimes they don鈥檛 talk about what is happening now but something joyful about their life before. It鈥檚 not always just talking about what you are living in the present.聽
I find that caregivers and family are often the ones I spend time with. The wife, who for five nights slept beside her loved one, needs someone to take聽 her into the visitor鈥檚 room and sit and listen, listen about the funeral arrangements, listen about whatever. Not very many people have time to sit and listen.
I have done this for five years here. Some days I don鈥檛 think anything significant happens but I have an image about links in a chain. I feel that if I can be the person that they need at that moment, then I am a link and that will open the door for someone else.
Q; You seem fulfilled in your role as a volunteer. Am I correct that you both give and receive a lot doing this work.
A: Yes, but we have to be very careful. When you volunteer, you do not volunteer in order to get. Being human, if I didn鈥檛 get anything out of it, it would be hard to continue so there is a certain amount of feeling that you are in right place at the right time but if nothing happens, nothing happens, and that is okay.
A young man at the palliative care conference told a story which I identified with completely. He was working with a dying patient and while he was there, a nurse came in to look at the IV and this nurse said nothing but she smiled at the person. And the patient said to him, 鈥淚 really like that nurse, when she smiles, I feel cared for鈥�. It was her presence that was important.
Q: In a hospital setting, is there room for different types of volunteers, including those who have no experience in the helping professions?
A: Yes, definitely.聽 You don鈥檛 have to be nurse or have experience聽 in counseling to do this. For example, there is a group of women who come on Wednesday afternoon to make lemon and date squares and they are so appreciated by the staff, visitors and patients. We need people like this. We need people to make smoothies. We have someone who comes in and does manicures and pedicures. We have other volunteers who are really good at setting up CDs and doing technical things. It takes a village to raise a child and it鈥檚 the same here on the palliative care unit. I think we need to be part of a team where everybody does what they feel comfortable with.
Q: What have you learned through your volunteer work?
A: I have learned how to care but not be destroyed by that caring and how to be compassionate. I have learned the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is more like 鈥減oor you鈥� but empathy is a bit more detached: 鈥淚 hear what you are saying and it must be hard鈥�. And when they tell me something, I don鈥檛 carry it because I can鈥檛 fix it.
I am very comfortable here. There was an article I read about how stressful it is to be in palliative care but I think of this work as a privilege. People let me into a very special, very private part of their lives.聽 And I am always very touched by that.