As you can imagine, the ad caught my eye.聽 鈥淓arth Smart Laundry CD works on the principles of quantum physics, not chemistry.鈥澛營 had to have it.聽So I sent in my sixty dollars and waited.聽A couple of weeks later a translucent plastic disk full of a blue liquid appeared.聽It was also full of promises.聽Never again would I have to use detergents!聽 All I had to do was drop the disk into the washing machine, and through the miracle of 鈥淪tructured Water Technology,鈥� it would 鈥渁ctivate the laundry water to mimic the cleaning effect of detergent.鈥澛燭here was no mention of what this technology was, or how it involved quantum physics.
I was intrigued.聽 After all, various companies had spent decades working on the chemistry of detergents, concluding that these molecules had to serve a dual purpose.聽First, they had to alter the surface tension of the water, allowing it to flow more readily and consequently penetrate fabrics with greater ease.聽Second, the molecules had to form some sort of linkage between water and dirt, allowing the dirt to be rinsed away.聽This required long molecules, one end of which was water soluble and the other oil soluble.聽Furthermore, the specific molecular structure was important to ensure that detergents would be biodegradable.聽Then there was the problem of minerals in the water interfering with the action of the detergent, which required the inclusion of 鈥渂uilders鈥� to tie up these minerals.聽 Phosphates were ideal for this job, but presented environmental problems, triggering a search for replacements.聽All of this is to say that there is some pretty sophisticated chemistry going on in our washing machines.聽Could a plastic disk with a blue liquid sealed inside it do the same job as the products that had taken PhD chemists decades to develop?
Since the pamphlet that accompanied the disk was not very informative, I decided to call the distributor to ask about the technology involved.聽After being passed from person to person, eventually I spoke to someone who gurgled something about altering the surface tension of the water.聽When I queried how a liquid sealed in plastic could do this, and what this had to do with quantum physics, he muttered something about the quantum energy stored in the liquid causing water molecule clusters to dissociate allowing small water molecules to penetrate the fabric.聽 I guess 鈥渜uantum鈥� is baffling enough to have it mean whatever you want it to mean.聽 Silly stuff, of course.聽Still, as they say, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.聽So I took a few white t-shirts, rubbed in some backyard dirt, added a few grease stains and headed for the washing machine.聽 No contest.聽 The disk did exactly what I thought it would do.聽 Nothing.
That little experiment took place in the 1990s.聽 While it failed, it served at least one purpose.聽 It tuned me in to the existence of such laundry products and stimulated me to collect a few more of these marvels.聽 One type featured magnets and offered the following curious explanation: 鈥淲hen water, or any stream of atoms, enters a powerful magnetic field, it physically changes in the same way atoms change when run through particle accelerators used by physicists.聽 Negatively changed oxygen ions are stripped from stable water molecules and are freed to perform a number of tasks.鈥澛燝ulp!聽When put to a test, the magnetic disks proved to be unattractive.聽 They performed in the same fashion as the blue liquid-filled ones.
My next encounter was with 鈥淕eo-Wash鈥� which consisted of three perforated, multi-colored plastic balls with some sort of ceramic squares inside.聽The 鈥渟cientific鈥� rationale was that 鈥渢he kinetic energy of these special ceramics with electrical activity creates a process that assists water to clean clothes.鈥澛燱ell, it didn鈥檛 clean my clothes very well, but it did clean me out of fifty bucks.聽Next came the 鈥淢agik Ball鈥� which was said to emit infrared rays which 鈥減artition the hydrogenous combinations of water molecules and reinforce the penetration into fabrics.鈥澛燤eaningless mumbo-jumbo.聽 It also 鈥渆liminates the water鈥檚 chloric component.鈥澛燗bsurd.聽Like the Geo-Wash, the Magik Ball contains bits of ceramic, this time in the form of beads which 鈥渕aintain the pH spectrum at the level of a normal chemical detergent.鈥澛� Incongruous twaddle.聽 But not all the claims are nonsense.聽I鈥檒l buy that the Magik Ball leaves no soap residue and presents no risk of allergy.聽 As far as cleaning goes, it did about as well as plain water.聽And plain water does a pretty good job, which is why these products can muster testimonials.聽The only thing the balls add is a little rubbing action.
Think you鈥檝e heard enough folly?聽 Well, hang on.聽 The 鈥淢iracle II Laundry Balls鈥� are simply divine.聽Literally.聽Clayton Tedeton, an American inventor, claims to have put Godliness into cleanliness.聽Why Miracle II?聽 Because Miracle I was Tedeton being healed of his injuries suffered in an automobile accident by a tele-evangelist.聽And apparently God had a reason for healing Tedeton.聽He was to become his cleanliness disciple and save the world from toxic cleaning agents by replacing them with spiritually inspired safe ones.聽As Tedeton relates, one day the formulation for these wonder products was miraculously flashed on his bedroom wall.聽
It seems, though, that heavenly chemistry classes leave something to be desired.聽Part of the miraculous formula calls for 鈥渆lectrically engineered eloptic energized stabilized oxygenated water.鈥� This, along with mysterious ingredients such as 鈥渁sh of dedecyl solution鈥� is to be used for impregnating the Miracle II Laundry Balls.聽Apparently these divinely inspired components can also neutralize cobra venom.聽Not having a cobra in the house, I couldn鈥檛 test that claim.聽But as far as cleaning goes, wouldn鈥檛 you think that God has more important issues to worry about than laundry products?聽Like the frightening extent of scientific illiteracy?聽Witness the ABI Laundry Ball.聽It claims to 鈥渕anipulate the electric fields associated with hydrogen and oxygen atoms and form crystals in the shape of electrical keys.聽These keys fit into locks and bonds of other compounds to dissolve away dirt much like the action of enzymes in the human digestive system.鈥澛� Gives me indigestion.
